Does God really use miscarriage as a means to work things out for our good? ABSOLUTELY!
Am I speaking about something of which I do not know? Sadly, I am not.
This day, three years ago (Friday, June 4, 2010), I was forcefully conscripted into the journey of one who has miscarried. My hubby and I had only just found out the joyous news of our first pregnancy 3 days prior... what JOY filled our hearts and tiny apartment! While hubby was at work, the bleeding started... didn't seem like a lot, but I didn't feel easy about it (at all). However, I decided to just wait till he got home to let him know that I believed I was miscarrying our first baby. We went to the ER to get checked (since this was so new, we hadn't had a "formal" test in a lab or anything... and we had much too great an amount of crazy happen that day as well--I wasn't on the correct region of TriCare insurance yet, having just moved here a month prior... and we had NO clue where to go or how to deal with the tragedy facing us)... the doctor was trying to offer hope that my cervix was still closed and the right color... but the lab results said it all (I had next to no Hcg in my blood--the hormone that indicates a pregnancy--mine was much too low, even for really early in the conception period, which I wasn't). It was a devastating blow, and the doctor said all the wrong things, but it wasn't until later that night and the next day that everything she had said finally hit me, and boy did I have opinions about how she handled me. However, much too late for those sentiments, and I had to let them go.
And grieve.
Grieve for this precious baby I wouldn't meet on this earth.
Grieve for the loss of our short-lived joy.
Grieve as a mother... though I hadn't technically become one yet.
Just. Grieve.
"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose." Romans 8:28
Was this miscarriage good? Nah, I wouldn't say that at all... but, friends, God was at work in my life! HE worked this tragic and heart-breaking event in our lives into something with GOOD results. In that moment, however, you most likely could never have convinced me of this. I wanted to be lost in despair, but God wanted to pull me out, pick me up, and grow me.
I still cry for this baby... but my baby is not lost to me forever. And you know what? God used this loss as a HUGE bonder and grower for the relationship between my hubby and me. He had JUST arrived back from a 12-month deployment, and this was our first real time together as a married couple (we had been married almost a year and a half, but had only spent less than 7 weeks together in that time). It was an opportunity for us to work together... as a family unit... as husband and wife, and seek God together. We learned so much about each other. I learned that a man doesn't grieve the same as a woman... nor usually as long. He learned that motherly emotions and the grief of a mother (even a soon-to-be mother) are huge, and never dwindle. He remembers that first pregnancy, our first baby, and everything we went through... he still feels sad, but it doesn't have the same intensity as to that exact moment we were actively living it. I, on the other hand, still cannot think about that time without wanting to cry, and cry HARD.
We've learned so much about how to work together through a hugely tough and emotional trial. In James we are told:
"Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know the testing of your faith produces perseverance" (1:2-3).
Notice, he doesn't say "if you face trials of many kinds." He says "whenever," which means there WILL be trials... of MANY kinds. And we are still to consider those trials as joys... why? Because they test our faith. And? That testing brings about perseverance. What marriage DOESN'T need perseverance?
We are also quite certain that God wanted us to have more time together as solely a married couple (little did we know that at the end of October 2010, we would experience the joy of pregnancy news again!). We needed this trial. We needed something to bind us closer to each other and to God... and what a blessing it has been! We now have 2 beautiful children (and possibly more in the future... we shall see what God has in store for us!), and are so very blessed!
If you have miscarried in the past, are currently in the midst of a loss, or even just know of some dear friend who is going through it, know that you are not alone. Another wonderful fact I learned through this trial was that I was not alone... so many women came to me to share their own stories of loss... it helped to know that I wasn't facing something so foreign to everyone around me. I knew their pain... they knew mine... the hugs, the smiles, the touches on the arm, the notes, everything carried much more meaningful weight from those ladies. Listen to her. Hug her. Cry with her. Let her cry. Let her grieve. Remind her of the joy of her Savior. Trust me... it helps more than you can know.
My precious little one, I loved you from the moment that test told me you were there. Your Daddy and I were so overjoyed, we just could not contain it! But God had other plans for you, my little one... He wanted to keep you for Himself... He must like you a lot. So many meaningful dates remind me of you... June 1 (we found out about you!), June 4 (we lost you for now), January 25 (your "guess" date)... and according to the calendar, we conceived you on Mother's Day of 2010... how cool is that?? All that to say, Mommy thinks about you all the time... I've never forgotten about you... and never will (as I type through tears now)... I loved you, and still love you. And I absolutely cannot wait to meet you one day! You have 2 awesome younger siblings... you'd love them! Love, Mommy
Lord, thank you. Thank you for your love, for your grace, for you mercy, for your arms of comfort. Thank you for using this event in my life to draw me closer to you and to my hubby... you blessed me with an amazing man. May I seek you always! Amen.
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